I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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