I wanna bring you to show and tell
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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