I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
After tacos, we're chasing women.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
