Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
foreskin is a definite game changer
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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