Did you just see the Batmobile???
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
