hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
