woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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