Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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