Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
