i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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