DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
