You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
