I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Randomize
