once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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