You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
