i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
