was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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