i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
being pregnant is like rehab
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
