That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
