I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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