he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
