he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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