I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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