the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
