I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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