Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
