She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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