so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
