In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
