she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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