I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize