I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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