I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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