it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
