Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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