From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
