I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You made out with two different species that night
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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