So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
