he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
