I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I could fuck to npr.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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