This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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