I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
