i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
