i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
