What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
