so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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