if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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