I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
