i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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