literally had 100 drinks last night.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
