lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
