either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
